


Inconceivable

by Arnie



Category: Princess Bride (1987), Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Crossover, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-29
Updated: 2014-04-29
Packaged: 2018-01-21 07:37:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1542812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arnie/pseuds/Arnie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Those are the Shrieking Eels," the boatman declared.</p><p>There was a long pause as Rodney's team seemed to consider that, then Sheppard said, "Ooookay.  How long before we reach land?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Inconceivable

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Debris_k who asked for a Stargate: Atlantic and The Princess Bride crossover.

Keeping one eye on their entirely too untrustworthy boatman - regardless of what Sheppard, Teyla and Ronon thought of the man - Rodney clutched his stomach and made his way across the heaving deck to Sheppard's side. "I said we should've brought a puddlejumper!"

There was a sigh, as if Sheppard were annoyed, but Rodney knew he must have misinterpreted it. "The 'gate was in a _cave_ , McKay. Ronon could barely get through the entrance, let alone a jumper."

"We could have blasted -"

"McKay!" Sheppard looked at him, giving him that two-eyed glare. "The subject is -"

They were interrupted by what Rodney thought was a scream...from Teyla. Rodney frowned. There was no way Teyla would scream. She didn't even scream when they were being chased by Wraith - something which Rodney considered was very screamworthy. Not that he ever screamed, of course.

Hurriedly pushing the very idea from his head, Rodney moved to Teyla's side to join everyone else in gazing into the water.

"It was a snake!" Teyla exclaimed. "A snake with long fangs!"

She even looked pale, and Rodney gave a small, "Huh," at the thought that maybe she had screamed. A little. No screaming for Wraith, but a long-fanged snake in the water made her scream. Rodney thought he'd probably never understand women. Especially a woman who could beat him up with one hand tied behind her back, but screamed at a snake.

"Those are the Shrieking Eels," the boatman declared.

There was a long pause as Rodney's team seemed to consider that, then Sheppard said, "Ooookay. How long before we reach land?"

The boatman - Vincenti? Vin...something, Rodney was almost sure - looked disappointed at their lack of reaction. "We're almost there," he said.

Rodney turned to look, then gaped at the towering cliffs. "I'm not climbing that - it's insane!"

Vin-whatever gave him a small smile. "Funny you should mention that, actually. They're the...Cliffs of Insanity!" He seemed to think their title was very, very important.

They all gazed at him again, then Sheppard said, "So, Ronon, you have the climbing ropes."

"Yeah." Ronon cast the boatman a weird look and grabbed his backpack.

It wasn't until they'd disembarked and were standing, gazing up at the incredibly tall cliffs that Rodney spoke again. "I'm serious, I'm not climbing those."

"Relax, McKay," Sheppard told him. "Ronon's going up first and he'll throw down a rope for you and Teyla."

Rodney wasn't fooled - he could see the doubt on Sheppard's face - and, given the height of those cliffs, he doubted anyone had a rope that long. "Maybe we should go back and try to find a way overland."

"In what?" Sheppard asked. "The boat's gone and we're not swimming our way back."

"I most certainly am not," Teyla put in. She met Rodney's eyes firmly. "I am sure the climb will be fine."

Rodney wanted to say that was because she was afraid of snakes, but he was too afraid of Teyla's reaction to say it.

"It'll be fine," Ronon said, shouldering his way past Rodney and throwing him a grin. "Trust me."

"Trust?" Rodney eyed the cliffs again, then averted his gaze as Ronon started climbing. He trusted Ronon. Mostly. But that was before these cliffs. He had to admit though, that Ronon was moving quickly up the cliff face. Rodney stared up again as he heard a gentle hammering.

"First piton's in," Ronon called down.

A few pitons later, Sheppard connected his harness up to the rope and started climbing, following Ronon's path. Rodney moved from one foot to the other, wishing he hadn't found that energy signature. "Don't expect me to catch you if you fall!" he announced.

"Don't worry, McKay, I'll make sure to land on you."

Rodney sighed. His team was full of madmen and comedians.

~~~

Despite his words to Rodney, John was feeling the strain by the time he and Ronon were almost halfway up. They paused for a quick break, Ronon somehow managing to extract two bottles of water from his backpack and hand one over. John drank half the bottle in one go, his eyes still fixed on the cliff face above them. Then he paused and lowered the bottle. "Does that look like the end of a rope to you?"

Ronon stuffed his empty bottle back into his backpack. "We'll soon find out."

They did, and John was relieved to discover that he was right. It was a rope, and it was securely fixed at the top. Once they had that, it didn't take them long to scramble the rest of the way, and John didn't find it at all embarassing to lie face down in the dirt, gasping for breath.

"You okay?"

John managed to roll his eyes in Ronon's direction. He got a grin in return.

"I figure if we tie one of our ropes to the end of this one, it'll be long enough."

"Okay." John forced himself to turn over and managed to sit up as well. Ronon was already on his feet and didn't look as if _his_ muscles felt like overcooked noodles. John told himself that he was not jealous at all. He'd get up...in a minute or two.

By the time Ronon had tied the two ends of rope together and was tugging at the knot to make sure it was secure, John was standing up and managed to click his radio and tell Rodney and Teyla to stand clear.

"Why?" Rodney demanded, just as Ronon threw the rope down.

John winced at the loud squawk he heard.

"Oh, a rope."

"Yeah, attach your harness to it and you can walk up the wall. Ronon and I will be pulling you up."

"Are you sure it's safe?"

"It will be fine," Teyla put in. "I will go first, if you wish."

There was a moment's pause, then Rodney said, "Okay."

Naturally, Ronon's well-tied knot remained securely in place, and it didn't take that long to get Teyla and Rodney (looking rather wild-eyed) to the top.

"See?" John asked, poking Rodney in the arm.

"Ow!" Rodney rubbed his arm, though John hadn't poked him that hard.

"Wuss."

"Am not!"

"Perhaps we should go," Teyla's calm tones interrupted their bickering.

"I'm ready when you are!" John grinned at Rodney, who was still rather flushed, and slipped him a bottle of water.

"I'm just...." Rodney gestured with the bottle, then started drinking.

Apparently satisfied now they'd stopped arguing, Teyla sat on a boulder and gazed around. "I wonder why someone attached a rope to this rock?"

"Probably to make that climb easier," John replied. He wasn't about to admit it, but he'd been grateful the rope was there.

"But why climb this cliff in the first place?" Teyla insisted. "Surely there must be easier routes."

Rodney lowered the bottle, a look of foreboding on his face. "If there isn't we'll have to go down that way." His face turned pale.

"Nah, there's bound to be an easier route." John shrugged, as if it was no big deal. "We'll find it." As Rodney opened his mouth, probably to argue further, John added, "Don't worry about it, McKay."

Naturally, he didn't look convinced, but he let the subject drop.

"Looks like there were quite a few people up here before," Ronon put in. "Horses too."

"There, see?" John wandered over to where Ronon was standing, and glanced back at Rodney. "Unless you're telling me horses managed to make that climb." He grinned at the snort he got in reply. "Okay, let's go. The sooner we find this energy signal, the better."

Rodney pulled out one of his handy little gadgets. "It's been fairly low level, apart from some spikes." He used it to gesture with. "Seems to be coming from that direction."

"Then that's the way we're going."

~~~

Far, far too much walking later, Rodney stopped and circled a tree, perplexed.

"We came all this way for a tree?" Ronon asked.

Rodney glared at him, then smacked the side of his energy detector. It had to be malfunctioning. There was no way that recent energy spike had come from a tree.

"We should have brought a botanist," Sheppard commented.

Rodney growled and smacked the detector again, then squawked as someone grabbed the back of his collar and hauled him behind some bushes.

"Quiet!"

Realising it was Ronon, Rodney stopped flailing and ducked down. He caught a brief glimpse of Sheppard and Teyla ducking behind another bush, then gaped as a man stepped out from the centre of the tree. So his energy detector wasn't malfunctioning after all! He would have said so, but Ronon's hand slapped down over his mouth - though how Ronon had guessed he was about to speak was beyond Rodney. He would have said something about that too, but Ronon's hand was in the way. It tightened painfully when a giant of a man also appeared from the tree, an unconscious blond man slung casually over one shoulder.

"Do you think Miracle Max will be able to help?" the gigantic man asked, casually, and easily, moving the blond man further up on his shoulder.

"I hope so," the other - normal-sized - man replied. "I need him to help storm the castle."

Once they'd gone, Ronon's hand let go and Rodney stood up. "Did you see the _size_ of that guy?!" he demanded. Realising his team mates seemed more interested in investigating the tree, he followed them, his mind still on the giant they'd just seen. "His hands were enormous!"

"Uh huh," Sheppard sounded distracted as he peered into the tree. "And that's why we didn't try to talk to them. Teyla, McKay, you stay here while Ronon and I check this place out." With that, he stepped inside the tree, Ronon right behind him.

Rodney glared at Ronon's back as it quickly disappeared from view. Those guys had gone; what was the point of waiting? If there was a ZPM in there, Rodney wanted to be in there too. His mouth practically watered at the thought of a fully-charged ZPM. It had to be fully-charged, or close to it anyway - that last energy spike had been almost off the charts. His mind was running over Atlantis's systems, trying to decide which ones he'd try out first, when Ronon came back.

"It's clear."

"About time!" Rodney snapped, hurrying down the steps behind Ronon. "Did you see the ZPM? Is it integrated into any systems?"

The stairway widened, and Ronon turned, a glint of amusement in his eyes.

Rodney stopped. "What am I saying? You wouldn't recognise a ZPM if it was covered in chocolate!"

He got a grin in return as Ronon's amused look deepened. "No, but I'd recognise chocolate."

"In here, McKay!"

Giving Ronon a glare, Rodney rushed through the doorway, following the sound of Sheppard's voice, then stopped, looking around. The energy detector in his hand was still registering a low level hum of energy but the only machine in the room didn't resemble any Ancient device Rodney had seen. "Is that it?" He leaned forward, peering at the lever that was currently set on zero, though it could be raised to fifty, then turned his attention to the rest of it. "It's water-powered." Hadn't these people heard of electricity?

Sheppard glanced at him. "Looks like it." He shut the large notebook in his hand and put it on a nearby desk. "It's not a ZPM."

"Then what is it?" Rodney demanded, irritated. Was he or was he not the scientist in this group?

"I'd say it's a mechanical Wraith." As Rodney swung around to stare at him, feeling his heart speed up at the word, Sheppard continued, "It sucks the life out of people."

"How is that possible?" Teyla asked.

Sheppard shook his head. "According to the notebook, the guy who invented this was studying pain." His gaze flicked past Rodney to the machine. "He could suck any amount of years out of a person. From nought to fifty."

Rodney turned back to the machine and stared at the lever, feeling a horrified fascination. Fifty...years? The Wraith were bad enough. Why would anyone invent a machine to do what they did?

"Okay, let's wrap it up. Ronon."

Lost in his thoughts, Rodney allowed himself to be pushed back to the stairway and up it, out into the fresh air, away from the tree. He realised the man he'd seen, the one being carried by the giant, must have been dead. His life sucked out of him like Gall's had been, like Abrams....

"McKay!"

He jumped and stared at Sheppard, dragging his mind back to the present. "Cover your ears."

"What?"

As Sheppard glared at him, Rodney did as he was told, then flinched as the ground exploded, a plume of flame belching up into the tree, then vanishing as the ground collapsed in on itself, taking the tree with it and burying the machine forever.

Sheppard had a satisfied look on his face as he gazed at the hole. "Okay, let's get going." He pointed in the opposite direction the giant and his companion had taken. "We should be able to get back to the cave if we head that way."

"Just so long as we don't have to face those cliffs again," Rodney said, throwing the gaping hole one last glance before he turned his back on it. "That boatguy was right - they were insane."

"Nah," Ronon put in. "We just have to make it through those woods."

"That should be simple enough," Sheppard replied. "Let's get going."

~~~

Rodney thought later that Sheppard really should have known better than to say it would be simple. When was it ever simple for them? If Rodney didn't know better, he would have sworn the Pegasus Galaxy was sentient and determined to have the last laugh at their expense.

Their first clue that it wouldn't be simple came when they were walking through the woods, and Sheppard suddenly came to an abrupt halt. Fortunately for Rodney's nose, he noticed in time to stop, and peered over Sheppard's shoulder to see what the hold up was.

"What is that?" Rodney asked, not willing to voice what he thought it was. They didn't come in that size...right?

Ronon, on the other hand, seemed willing to voice what he thought it was. "It looks like a giant rat." He also didn't seem freaked out by it, leading Rodney to wonder how many giant rats Ronon had seen.

"It appears to be dead," Teyla pointed out.

Rodney wasn't about to approach it and find out as he'd seen way too many horror movies to fall for that old trick, but Sheppard did, poking the creature with his foot. "It's dead all right."

"So who killed it?" Rodney looked around. And were there more of them?

"Looks like it's been dead a couple of days," Ronon put in.

"Okay." Sheppard turned. "Let's move out, but keep an eye out for any more of them."

Nodding, his eyes still scanning the area for any sign of more gigantic rats, Rodney took a step forward, then cried out as the ground gave way beneath him. He flailed, but was sucked down. Sand surrounded him, filling his eyes, his nose, his mouth. He couldn't cry out, and couldn't breathe as it seemed to squeeze the very life out of him. Panic exploded through his mind, then something grabbed his hand, stopping his descent. Rodney managed to shove his other hand up and fasten on to what felt like material, then he was slowly dragged upwards. It seemed to go on forever, but suddenly there was air on his face. Inhaling, Rodney choked, coughing and spluttering on the sand in his mouth. Hands grasped him, dragging him free of the confining grip on his legs, and he grabbed in return, clinging on to the warm body in front of him.

Dimly, through the roaring in his ears, Rodney realised he could hear Teyla, then water poured over his face, cleaning away the tears and grit. He blinked, then blinked again, staring up at her, and suddenly realised with embarrassment that he was flat on his back and clutching her to his chest. It took him a few moments, but he managed to let go, reaching instead for the canteen she offered him, pathetically grateful that she kept her hand on his shoulder as she helped him sit up. As his shaking began to subside, he rolled his head to the right, and realised that Sheppard seemed to be in pretty much the same state as himself. Realising that it had been Sheppard who'd followed him into that hole, Rodney managed a croaky, "Thanks," then added an, "oh, crap," as a very much alive giant rat came into view.

It rapidly became a very much dead giant rat, and Rodney was never more grateful for Ronon's quick responses and blaster.

Sheppard pushed himself to his feet, staggering slightly until he collided with Ronon. "Okay," he said through gritted teeth, sounding monumentally pissed off, "we're leaving."

Rodney was fully on board with that plan, and forced himself up, hoping his knees would support him. They did, but he suspected it was partly because he had Teyla on one side and Ronon's hand under his elbow on the other.

As Sheppard hefted his P-90 into his arms, he added, "Everyone avoid any patches of sand."

~~~

John had to admit to himself that he was furious. What the hell was wrong with this planet? Giants and giant rats were bad enough, but machines that sucked the life out of you and sand-traps that had nothing to do with golf? Rodney was wrong; it wasn't the cliffs that were insane, it was the entire damned planet. And as soon as they got back to Atlantis, they were striking this one off their list and making copious notes on why they should never return. Okay, so maybe they could use the planet as a last ditch haven - after all, no darts would make it out of that cave - but this really wasn't the kind of place you wanted to spend time in. All it needed was some Iratus Bugs and John would write it down as the Worst Planet Ever.

As he stepped over dead trees and ducked under dangling vines, John kept a close eye out. Firstly, for any more innocent-looking patches of sand; secondly, for any giant rats, and thirdly (because he couldn't get his mind off them now he'd thought of them) for Iratus Bugs. Maybe they should have gone back via those cliffs, at least then they would have avoided these woods. He stepped over another tree and paused, looking around the quiet-looking clearing. If there was one thing he'd learned about this planet, 'quiet-looking' usually meant 'scary-as-hell'.

"Sheppard?" Unsurprisingly, Rodney sounded rather subdued.

"Just checking." Feeling more cautious than ever, John tested the ground carefully before putting his full weight on it. It seemed fine, so he stepped into the clearing, then checked the ground again before moving forward. With his check-then-step slowing his progress to a crawl, John expected to hear Rodney's voice after a few short steps, but he must have been feeling as nervous as John was because he made no complaints, simply following in John's footsteps. Halfway across the clearing, John froze, listening intently to a popping sound that seemed to be rapidly approaching them. His eyes raced along the ground, following the noise to where it seemed to be headed.... "Teyla!"

She leapt, Ronon's hand catching her arm and swinging her around to behind him as fire erupted from the ground where she'd been standing between Ronon and Rodney. As Rodney gave a yell, John grabbed the back of his kevlar and yanked him away, though he suspected it was just the shock of the fire appearing as opposed to Rodney being in danger. Not that John blamed him for screeching - he suspected he'd have done the same thing if that flame had surged up less than a foot from him. The fire, meanwhile, had disappeared as if it had never been.

"What the hell is wrong with this place?" Rodney demanded.

John suspected it was a rhetorical question and didn't try to answer.

"I mean it! This place is insane!" He turned to John and waved his arms. "Did you see that fire, did you?! A quiet walk through the woods on this planet involves wearing flame-retardant clothing, snowshoes to stay out of the sandpits and being armed with enough firepower to kill off giant rats! No wonder that guy with the Wraith machine chose to live here - he's probably the sanest person on the face of the planet!" Rodney took a breath, then turned as the popping sound was heard again. "No, no, nonono!"

Grabbing Rodney's kevlar again, John dragged him out of the way as the fire erupted again, this time right at Rodney's feet. "Save your ranting, let's get out of here!" Deciding that speed was the better option, John headed across the clearing, one hand holding onto Rodney's kevlar and pulling him along with him. They dashed into the trees, and John stopped, making sure that Ronon and Teyla had kept up with them. "Okay," he gasped, panting for breath, "now you can rant."

Before Rodney could start again, Ronon pointed past them. "Looks like we're almost out of the woods."

John turned and looked; Ronon was right. "Come on!"

It took them less than five minutes, including a quick dash to avoid another spurt of flames, to get out of the woods, and then they were free.

"I hate this planet," Rodney commented.

"It certainly has its downside," John replied, absently, pulling out his compass. If he had it right, they had to go up over that hill and a couple of miles of walking would get them to the cave.

~~~

Surprisingly, the walk over the hillside was quiet - one dead body being nothing to speak of, in comparison to the Wraith machine, giant rats and woods full of sandpits and sudden flames. Okay, so the dead body bore a strong, and disturbing, resemblance to their boatman, but Rodney refused to comment, simply marching on once they'd realised the guy was dead.

"McKay, you wanna slow down a bit?" Sheppard caught up with him. "We don't wanna run into anything headlong."

Rodney snorted. "There's the cave." He cast a glance at Teyla and Ronon, who seemed to be too busy watching their surroundings to listen to their conversation. "Last one to it's a rotten egg!" he shouted, and broke into a run.

"What are you, five?" Sheppard demanded from behind him.

Rodney didn't care. Running as fast as he could, he hurtled towards the cave, then yelled as Sheppard passed him. "Hey, no fair!"

"You snooze, you lose!" Sheppard shouted.

As he'd had a head start, Rodney just (though only just) managed to beat Teyla and Ronon to the cave. He wriggled through the gap and poked Sheppard. "You are such a cheater."

Sheppard gave him a particularly evil grin. "Keep that up, McKay, and I'll make you explain to Ronon what a rotten egg is and why he is one."

Rodney turned and watched Ronon squeeze his way into the cave. "Don't you dare," he whispered.

"Is something wrong?" Teyla asked, as she began to dial.

Sheppard grinned again. "Nah, everything's fine. Let's go home."

The end  
17th June 2010.


End file.
